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Self-Discipline

by Evelyn Petersen

Question:
My granddaughter is 6. She is a bright, cute girl who doesn't want for anything, and she has two older brothers (10 and 13) who idolize her. Her mother and I are concerned because she flies into a tizzy or tantrum when things don't go her way. We don`t know if this is normal; do you have some advice?
S.E. New Jersey

Answer:

The age of tantrums, when children test adults to find out who they are as separate individuals and learn about limits, is two to three. At six, tantrums are inappropriate. By now she should be able to ask for and discuss what she wants. She should be able to listen to and understand the reasons when a parent says "no" and explains why.
Pouting about parent "no's" is common for six year olds, but not tantrums. She would not keep having tantrums unless she is getting something out of it; she is getting her own way. You need to get together as a family (including the big brothers) and talk about why this behavior, which may be becoming a habit, is NOT in her best long range interest. To get her to change her behavior, you all need to change yours.

Develop a strategy and stick to it. Tell her the tantrum will not make any difference, and ignore it. Have her go have her tizzy where you won`t hear it. Keep ignoring instead of rewarding and she will stop. Praise her for having fewer and fewer of these scenes, and they will disappear. Self discipline is a necessary life skill that all children must learn. Your granddaughter needs to learn more about how to control her own behavior instead of controlling others. Here are 7 tips to keep in mind.

Make rules and set limits; make expectations clear and simple.

Say no when you should, and explain why.

Expect the best from children, and PRAISE them for giving it.

Contract with children for behavior you want; don`t ``bribe``.

Plan ahead to PREVENT problems.

Teach children logical consequences for poor choices and behavior.

Use positive alternatives instead of spanking.

Ms. Petersen's nationally syndicated parenting column is carried in over 200 newspapers twice each week. As a family/parenting consultant, early childhood educator, Head Start consultant, and host of a series of parent training audio and video tapes, Ms. Petersen employs an approach of providing hands-on, nuts and bolts advice to parents across the country. Her new book "A Practical Guide to Early Childhood Planning: The What Why and How of Lesson Plans" has just been released.

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